The first step toward interplanetary civilization is usually the lease agreement.Mine was with my landlord.
When people ask why I’m obsessed with colonization, I tell them the truth: I’m not. I’m just tired of driving across town for bubble tea. Every great vision starts small — a spark, a prototype, a napkin diagram scribbled during a particularly strong caffeine episode.
Last month, I realized that before we terraform Mars, we should probably learn to terraform our personal space. So I began Project Living Room 1.0. The goal: create a self-sustaining habitat capable of supporting one human, two houseplants, and unlimited Wi-Fi for at least six months.
Phase I — Atmospheric OptimizationStep one: replace oxygen with motivation. I installed a diffuser that emits “hustle particles” every hour. Productivity skyrocketed until I forgot how to rest. Phase I complete. Morale: dangerously high.
Phase II — Renewable SnacksEvery rocket program needs fuel; mine just happens to be dumplings. I built a closed-loop supply chain from freezer to air fryer to mouth. Waste heat powers my tea kettle. Energy efficiency: 92%. Joy efficiency: 110%.
Phase III — Artificial Intelligence (For Plants)I connected my monstera to an old neural-net prototype. It now texts me motivational quotes like “Grow tall, king.”Sentience is trending upward. Concern: mild.
Phase IV — Public OutreachNo mission is complete without branding. I drafted a 40-page whitepaper titled “Democratizing Serenity Through Furniture.” Investors were confused but intrigued. One asked if there’s a DAO. I said yes; there wasn’t, but now there is.
The Philosophy Behind the JokeSatire is a mirror, not a mask. When we parody ambition, we reveal how close our real ambitions already are to parody. My living room colony isn’t about Mars or dumplings — it’s about the absurd lengths we go to make ordinary life feel epic.
Tech culture loves to promise transcendence: “Change the world.”Sometimes the world just needs better lighting and a cup of jasmine tea.
The TakeawayBefore you colonize Mars, colonize your schedule.Before you build rockets, build rest.Before you seek infinite growth, try finite gratitude.
My living room is thriving. The plants are happy. The Wi-Fi is strong.Mission accomplished — until the next update: Project Balcony 2.0.
